


Everyone Wants to Be Her or Do Her

by Margo_Kim



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crush, F/F, Gen, Gossip, Original Character(s), POV Female Character, POV Original Character, girl talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 21:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Margo_Kim/pseuds/Margo_Kim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Avengers kink meme: "Agent Hill is badass. The fact that she's beautiful is entirely beside the point. It's like the cherry on the BAMF sundae. Many of the women of SHIELD have a girl-crush on her. The younger female agents often forget they're SHIELD agents (and adults) around her."</p><p>After the end of a long, long week, SHIELD Agent Jaqui Romera just wants to get drunk with her friend and talk about how much she wants to have sex with her superior officer. Is that too much to ask?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone Wants to Be Her or Do Her

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes paraphrased from [Tom and Lorenzo](http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/) because they are about as fabulous as Maria Hill is. And because the original version--Everyone wants to be me or do me--may or may not be my life motto.

SHIELD Agent Jaqui Romera (Level 3 Security Clearance, field liaison to the Mexico City offices) was not drunk. Not yet. She was getting there though, and it couldn’t happen soon enough. It had been a very long week. It had involved magically enhanced bees and the Hulk. Jaqui wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. She might not ever be ready. 

Luckily, she was drinking with Lola Márquez. And Lola, the horniest experimental weapons engineer that Jaqui had ever met, had found a much more interesting topic to discuss. 

“Like, I’m not saying I don’t respect her,” Lola said, enthusiastically gesturing with her fourth bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Jaqui’s nod was just as vigorous. “Right, no, totally. That’s be, like, actually impossible. It’s like the natural functions of the body are eating, drinking, and respecting Maria Hill.”

“Right, right! So I’m just saying,” and here Lola paused to wipe a splash of drink off of the front of her uniform after a particularly emphatic thrust of the bottle. “I’m just saying that I’d like to put my head in her crotch and not even come up for air.” 

“Damn fucking straight.” 

Jaqui and Lola clinked bottles. 

“And it’s not even a gay thing, you know?” Lola said. 

Jaqui snorted. “It’s totally a gay thing.”

“Yeah, for you. Because you’re gay. My fucking point is, you know how straight that I am.”

“So fucking straight,” Jaqui said. 

“Right, I’m uber-straight. I’m like the Platonic Ideal of straightness. Cock is a part of my balanced diet. But _Maria_.”

Jaqui raised her hand in praise. “I know, girl.”

“Fucking Agent Hill.”

“I am an actual lesbian, Lola. Believe me, I fucking know.”

Lola suddenly stiffened, her eyes fixed on the door. Jaqui turned around to look. The Lewis girl stood awkwardly in the doorway, with the stiff posture of someone who has just realized that they were not wanted. The Underground was a bar for enlisted men, the grunts of SHIELD, and the higher-ups respected that. No one knew exactly where friends of the Avengers fit into the hierarchy. Still, anyone who had the ear of Thor probably wasn’t low-ranking. Most people just didn’t talk to the Lewis girl to avoid any chain of command fuckups, and when they did, they kept things as professional as possible. And the Underground was not a place where people wanted to be professional. This girl was stepping out of her turf and judging by the look in her eye, this girl knew it. 

And had apparently decided that she didn’t give two shits because she marched straight to the bar, perched herself on an empty stool about eight down from Jaqui’s and Lola’s, and ordered herself a beer. 

Jaqui turned back to Lola who was still warily regarding the Lewis girl. “Maybe we should go,” Lola said. 

Jaqui hit Lola’s shoulder. “Your weird hatred of anyone who might have any authority over you at all is a strange quality for someone in a military organization. Ignore her.”

Lola grinned at her and pointed her finger in Lola’s face. “You keep up that philosophy, the next thing you know you’re getting pulled in front of Fury and having to explain everything that goes on in the SHIELD break room because Miss BFFs with Thor over there opened her big mouth.” 

Jaqui batted the finger away. “Please. Like Fury doesn’t personally buy half the contraband on the ship himself.”

Lola shot the girl one last dirty look before she turned back to Jaqui. “Snitches get stitches, that’s all I’m saying. What the fuck were we talking about?”

“Maria Hill, idiot,” Jaqui said. “How are you stupid drunk on wine coolers?” Lola shrugged happily and finished off her bottle. Jaqui took a swig from hers as well. “Oh! Did I tell you that I saw her at the shooting range yesterday? She got full marks on a Stage 9 simulation.”

Lola burped a little and shook her head. “That’s not even physically possible.”

“Maria Hill tells physics what is possible, okay? She doesn’t take any shit from the natural sciences.”

Lola laughed and leaned in conspiratorially. “I heard that one time someone threw a grenade at her and she caught it and threw it back.”

“I heard that when she and another agent were up for the same position, the other agent just quit.”

“I heard that she’s the only person alive who knows what happened to Nick Fury’s eye.”

“I heard that she was the one who yanked it out as part of her job application.” 

“ _Dude_ ,” Lola whispered, her voice filled with awe. 

“I know!”

They sat in silence for a moment, appreciating just how fucking cool that was. It probably wasn’t true. But it _felt_ true and, honestly, this was SHIELD. There was a legitimate chance Maria Hill had ripped out Nick Fury’s eye to get her job. People had done worst things here for lesser positions. Jaqui had done a few herself. 

Lola flagged down the bartender and waggled her empty bottle at him. “I heard that she and Agent Romanov have crazy lesbian sex in the Helicarrier conference room,” she said as the bartender came over. 

“Wait, what?” Jaqui asked. “How the hell did you hear that?”

“I didn’t.” Lola nodded a thanks and cracked open her new bottle. “I just thought it would be really hot. I think about it at night a lot.”

“Lola, I don’t think you’re nearly as straight as you think you are.”

Lola sighed. “I just respect her so much, you know?”

“Trust me, I know.”

“So much respect. All the respect. Like I want to do her _and_ be her. Can you imagine all the cool shit that she gets up to?” 

“She once scolded Captain America for not recycling,” a third voice offered. Lola and Jaqui started and looked to their left. The Lewis girl gave them a small wave. “I’m not, like, eavesdropping on you guys. You’re just super loud.”

“Yes, you fucking are!” shouted a voice from the back of the bar.

“Shut the hell up, Jeff, no one asked you!” Lola shouted back. She turned her attention back to the girl, her eyes narrowed. “This is a private conversation.” 

“That literally the entire bar can hear.” The girl held up her hands and shrugged. “Whatever. That’s cool. I just thought you’d guys like to know.”

“Here’s the thing,” Lola said firmly. “I totally want to know. How much Avengers and SHIELD Command gossip are you prepared to offer?”

Lewis looked at her almost pityingly. “Oh, honey,” the girl said. “I got the _works_.” 

She and Lola stared each other down. Jaqui, not really giving a shit about this particular Mexican standoff, drank her beer. She was still too damn sober for all this. 

“How do I know I can trust you?” Lola said. 

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Jaqui interrupted. She needed to speed this dance up a little bit. “Look, girl—”

“Darcy,” said Darcy. 

“Darcy. Kill, fuck, marry—Maria Hill, Nick Fury, Jeff from the back of the bar.” Jaqui sat back and gestured at Darcy. “Choose wisely.”

“And what? I’m only allowed to sit at your bar if I give the right answers?” Darcy said. 

Jaqui shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much.” 

Darcy scoffed. “Please, that’s not even hard. Marry Maria, fuck Fury, kill Jeff.” 

“That’s bullshit!” Jeff shouted. “You don’t even know who I am!”

“Yeah,” Darcy shouted back. “That makes you the most expendable.” She made a noise like _what an idiot, am I right_ and Lola nodded sagely at her. 

“And seriously,” Lola said, “actually knowing him just makes you want to kill him more.” 

“And what other choice did I have? Kill Fury? I don’t even think that’s possibly,” Darcy said. “Kill Maria? Hell to the no. Have you seen the way she kicks ass? Or like singlehandedly runs the day to day operations of the Helicarrier? Or her boobs? You can’t take those away from the world. Besides, she’s super nice when you get to know her. She’s teaching me how to shoot so I won’t get killed in the next alien invasion.”

Lola and Jaqui gasped in unison, which would have been a lot more embarrassing if they weren’t so comfortably drunk. “Really?” Jaqui said. 

Darcy nodded solemnly. “She holds me from behind when she adjusts my aim. I’ve smelled her.” 

Lola scooted down seven chairs to fill the gap between them. “What does she smell like?” she asked eagerly. 

“Like gunpowder, leather, and perfume.” 

Lola made a strangled noise in the back of her throat and grabbed Darcy’s hands. “That’s what I dreamed she’d smell like,” she whispered. 

Jaqui would give her so much shit about that in the morning. Right now, she grabbed her and Lola’s bottles and took the seat on the other side of Darcy, who was positively beaming. There was nothing like unexpected company when you expected to spend the evening alone. Jaqui felt a twinge of guilt. SHIELD hadn’t been too welcoming to the girl. Well. Now was as good a time to make up for that as ever. 

Jaqui threw her arm around Darcy’s shoulders and offered her a bit of common ground like the white flag before a peace treaty. “Tell me, Darcy,” she said, “what do you think about Maria Hill’s butt?”

What? This was SHIELD. Jaqui had started friendships with stranger conversations. And Darcy, grinning from ear to ear, was happy to oblige.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Everyone Wants to Be Her or Do Her [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1246288) by [blackglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass)




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